The reality of not having a job lately is really starting to sink in.....and bother me. I've been out of school a year and a half and have applied and interviewed with still no full-time job yet. I am so grateful for the maternity leaves that I've been privileged to have, but my spirits are starting to get dampered. Besides the fact that we have a mortgage to pay, hospital/doctor bills needing paid, two cars that aren't going to last forever, maintenance fees around the house, and how many other bills that come in each month.... we are wanting to start a family in the near future, but are putting it off until I get a full time job.
The word 'depression' actually came out of my mouth the other day to describe the situation. I had never really thought about it, let alone 'admitted to it', but when a friend and I were talking about neither of us having teaching jobs and feeling the pressure of life weighing down on us, as well as a time crunch..... it actually clicked in my head that I currently hide from people so that I don't have to answer questions about my job status...... Do I think I am clinically depressed?? No... Do I think I need therapy or medicine??? absolutely not.... but do I think my emotional state is crazier than it should be??? definitely!
If you follow me on Facebook, then you might have read my rather lengthy and much-commented on status about wishing people understood the impact of being asked constantly if I have a teaching job yet.... and its connection to the impact of infertility for some couples.... It got rather complicated....... but I think I made some great points....
Anyway.... Most people have no idea what it's like to know since you were 7 years old that you wanted to be a teacher....and to now be 23 and basically getting told that that might never happen. I hate being asked so badly that I dread trips to the grocery store, gas station or pizza place, and moving back home to an even smaller town has made it much worse. I honestly postpone trips and wait as long as I can before I have to go somewhere in this town just so that I might be able to avoid the question and answer process....and speaking of avoid--- yes, sometimes I even avoid people that I know in a store because I don't want to go through it all.... It has nothing to do with the person, I just don't want to have to put up with the conversation.....
People who aren't in this situation probably have no idea why it's such a blow to my spirits...well, every time I have to say "no, still no job yet" or "well, I'm teaching a maternity leave this fall, but don't have anything lined up after that yet" or "no, no babies yet. I need a full-time job first"....my heart breaks just a little bit more. As the aforementioned friend added in our conversation, you feel like the other person in the conversation assumes that you aren't 'good enough' to get hired, and after this long, I can't help but wonder if that might be a little bit true......with each...time... I'm....asked.
The idea of going back to school has popped into my head more than once, trust me, but on top of not being able to afford it right now, I can't seem to come up with what major I would want. I even went to the university's website and scrolled through the list of degrees and majors and couldn't find a single one that interested me, not a single one. I don't want a desk job, an office job, a business job, a marketing job, a cooking job, a teller job...the list could go on and on... I want a job where I get to influence the lives of children every day. When I decided to be a teacher, I knew it was a lifestyle for me. I won't go into detail, but I try to live a life that would be an inspiration for young children. It is my life. A simple trip to the store involves seeing something on the shelf that I realize would be a great manipulative for students, or an exciting addition for a lesson.... teaching is my life.
Holding Two Griefs at Once
8 months ago
Posts
