Last week, I suffered a huge loss. I'm trying to figure out what my emotions are right now and get my head back into this crazy thing called life. I don't know which way is up, if I'm coming or going, if I'm at peace with losing her or if there's a major melt down on the way, or if I grieved and mentally (and emotionally) prepared enough for this in the last two years that I'm more OK with all of it than I thought I'd be... Nothing in the last two weeks has affected me in the way I thought it would and I'm not sure what it all means right now. I'm just trying to sort out everything.....
I feel like it is all a dream....as if she's just staying in the nursing home for strength building again and will be home in a few weeks. We knew it was coming at some point in the near future, but it just came on so fast...
I'm at a loss with how to deal with the fact that I've not cried in five days now and have zero emotion with it all..... after crying so much for the first week of everything... the anticipation, the loss and the grief. Her absence was very apparent in the first few days and I cried a lot... but now I feel as though I'm oblivious to it all.
Am I at peace knowing that she is with the love of her life?? Or am I in denial with the fact that she is gone? Personally, I think it's the latter of the two and that my heart is going to break soon. I'm fearing a total breakdown and it scares me.... How am I supposed to go on without such a huge influence in my life? There was so much more that I wanted to ask her... so much more to write down, document, and listen to...
Just so much more in general.
I've started to open Blogger several times in the last 2 weeks but couldn't make my fingers (or maybe it's my heart...) open a new post and start typing.... The act of doing so makes it more real for me.... She's gone. My grandma is gone. I've thought several times a day for the last week of things I want to ask or tell her...of stopping in to see her after work like I had done for weeks...of calling her to check on how she's doing..... and there's just nothing I can do.
I've talked about her, about losing her, about the funeral ....but I don't cry anymore.....It's like I'm just telling a story. I stand there, realizing that I'm emotionless at the moment...
I'm in a dream. A fog. A haze. I'm just lost. What's wrong?!?
Even when I have a short moment of reality/pain/loss/missing her and actually cry a tear or two, the dream overcomes me again. I just want to cry about it...understand it... feel it....
This dream I'm living is crazy.
I want to feel the loss.
I want to grieve.
When I can figure everything out, I'll blog again about her...
She was an amazing woman and I give credit to her for helping make me who I am today...
I'm just in robot mode right now....trying to figure life out...
Until Next Time...
Krista
I feel like it is all a dream....as if she's just staying in the nursing home for strength building again and will be home in a few weeks. We knew it was coming at some point in the near future, but it just came on so fast...
I'm at a loss with how to deal with the fact that I've not cried in five days now and have zero emotion with it all..... after crying so much for the first week of everything... the anticipation, the loss and the grief. Her absence was very apparent in the first few days and I cried a lot... but now I feel as though I'm oblivious to it all.
Am I at peace knowing that she is with the love of her life?? Or am I in denial with the fact that she is gone? Personally, I think it's the latter of the two and that my heart is going to break soon. I'm fearing a total breakdown and it scares me.... How am I supposed to go on without such a huge influence in my life? There was so much more that I wanted to ask her... so much more to write down, document, and listen to...
Just so much more in general.
I've started to open Blogger several times in the last 2 weeks but couldn't make my fingers (or maybe it's my heart...) open a new post and start typing.... The act of doing so makes it more real for me.... She's gone. My grandma is gone. I've thought several times a day for the last week of things I want to ask or tell her...of stopping in to see her after work like I had done for weeks...of calling her to check on how she's doing..... and there's just nothing I can do.
I've talked about her, about losing her, about the funeral ....but I don't cry anymore.....It's like I'm just telling a story. I stand there, realizing that I'm emotionless at the moment...
I'm in a dream. A fog. A haze. I'm just lost. What's wrong?!?
Even when I have a short moment of reality/pain/loss/missing her and actually cry a tear or two, the dream overcomes me again. I just want to cry about it...understand it... feel it....
This dream I'm living is crazy.
I want to feel the loss.
I want to grieve.
 |
| Christmas 2012 |
When I can figure everything out, I'll blog again about her...
She was an amazing woman and I give credit to her for helping make me who I am today...
I'm just in robot mode right now....trying to figure life out...
Until Next Time...
Krista
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment
Do you have a tip, suggestion, or critique? Leave me a comment.