Loss

Last week, I suffered a huge loss. I'm trying to figure out what my emotions are right now and get my head back into this crazy thing called life. I don't know which way is up, if I'm coming or going, if I'm at peace with losing her or if there's a major melt down on the way, or if I grieved and mentally (and emotionally) prepared enough for this in the last two years that I'm more OK with all of it than I thought I'd be... Nothing in the last two weeks has affected me in the way I thought it would and I'm not sure what it all means right now. I'm just trying to sort out everything.....


I feel like it is all a dream....as if she's just staying in the nursing home for strength building again and will be home in a few weeks. We knew it was coming at some point in the near future, but it just came on so fast...

I'm at a loss with how to deal with the fact that I've not cried in five days now and have zero emotion with it all..... after crying so much for the first week of everything... the anticipation, the loss and the grief. Her absence was very apparent in the first few days and I cried a lot... but now I feel as though I'm oblivious to it all.

 Am I at peace knowing that she is with the love of her life?? Or am I in denial with the fact that she is gone? Personally, I think it's the latter of the two and that my heart is going to break soon. I'm fearing a total breakdown and it scares me.... How am I supposed to go on without such a huge influence in my life? There was so much more that I wanted to ask her... so much more to write down, document, and listen to...
Just so much more in general.




I've started to open Blogger several times in the last 2 weeks but couldn't make my fingers (or maybe it's my heart...) open a new post and start typing.... The act of doing so makes it more real for me.... She's gone. My grandma is gone. I've thought several times a day for the last week of things I want to ask or tell her...of stopping in to see her after work like I had done for weeks...of calling her to check on how she's doing..... and there's just nothing I can do.

I've talked about her, about losing her, about the funeral ....but I don't cry anymore.....It's like I'm just telling a story. I stand there, realizing that I'm emotionless at the moment...
I'm in a dream. A fog. A haze. I'm just lost. What's wrong?!?
 Even when I have a short moment of reality/pain/loss/missing her and actually cry a tear or two, the dream overcomes me again. I just want to cry about it...understand it... feel it....
This dream I'm living is crazy.
I want to feel the loss.
I want to grieve.

Christmas 2012

 When I can figure everything out, I'll blog again about her...
She was an amazing woman and I give credit to her for helping make me who I am today...
I'm just in robot mode right now....trying to figure life out...

Until Next Time...
Krista

Don't get discouraged...

Right about now, those New Years Resolutions Goals are starting to get a little tough, aren't they? Whether you're giving up smoking, starting to exercise, eating better, etc.... The fun of it has worn off and you're discouraged.....wanting to give up....

Just remember...

Source: google.com via Krista on Pinterest

Source: backonpointe.tumblr.com via Jenna on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Krista on Pinterest

Okay... enough of the motivational speaker stuff.... Just don't give up! You can do this!

Krista

Running after a cold/flu

Since I've been so sick, I was wondering how I know when I'm ready to get out and run again.... after some googling (I love that we use that word as a verb), I found this interesting tip:


"So, next time you have a cold and wonder whether you should head out for your run, just remember the "neck check" developed by AR&FA Editorial Board Member Randy Eichner, M.D. If your cold symptoms are from the neck up, go for it. If your symptoms extend below the neck and include chest discomfort or deep cough, general aches and pains, and fever, hit the bed instead of the road. Rest, don't run."
Source

I think it was very helpful! All in all, it comes down to how we feel of course, but it's nice to have a rule of thumb, in my opinion!

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.... I'm not ready for a run quite yet. My cough is all in my chest. :(

Until Next Time...
Krista

My New Year's Goals

First off, let me just say that the word 'resolution' is one of those words that I hate..... It sets us up for failure.... It just has a black cloud hanging over it.... Therefore, I don't make resolutions.... I make goals... plans.. .objectives... ambitions. (ooo...aaaah...)


This year.... I plan to:

1) Run another half marathon....maybe 2!
It's an addiction. I'm making plans to do a spring mini and maybe another in September.... I just loved the training and race day!  There WILL be more!

2) Continue to eat healthy and understand what my body needs/doesn't need.
I got a compliment from a friend that I hadn't seen in a while about how different my body looked and how much weight I look like I've lost..... I give credit to not only running, but to understanding how to better fuel my body. If you eat junk.... well, your body kinda ...well... looks like junk (sorry. It's true.) I enjoy learning about foods and want to continue to learn new recipes who am I kidding?!?! I just need to continue to learn to cook! haha.

3) Work on my worry...
I had been doing so much better until a recent turn of events in my personal life has started it back up again. I need to continue to strengthen my faith and trust.

4) Work on my clutter...
OMG. This is a big one and I know my husband would agree. I can let this house just get out of hand. I leave stuff laying around, make piles to mess with later, stack clean (and folded) clothes in laundry baskets instead of putting them away..... it could go on and on. I have to be more responsible about my household duties. I'm almost 25 years old!
 
5) Do better with my finances.
While I was sick, I watched a lot of TV.... and one of the shows was a horribly old Dr. Phil rerun..... It was about financial mistakes and one huge one that I make is "justifying a purchase because you think you deserve it." I do this all the time and I need to stop. Sometimes it's little, like a $1 sweet tea after a bad day, but sometimes it's more. We're trying to cut back and I'm the worse about little purchases than Cam is.

6) Finish more projects in our home.
We have so many things that need done--- blinds hung up, walls painted, small repairs to be done.... I just want to make a full list and start knocking them off one by one!


What are your goals for 2013??
Krista

Improving....

I've spent many days in bed.... watched more TV than I think I have in years... taken more pills than I ever have.... and whined more than I (probably) should have.... But I'm finally feeling better. Whatever bug I got hit me hard.

I went to the doctor Saturday morning after coming down with a cough/sore throat and aches Friday night. I hadn't been running a fever at all so we assumed it was a bad sinus infection coming on. I got a shot and prescription and went about my day. I was supposed to have my girlfriends over after meeting for lunch......... well, I never even made it to lunch. I was so tired that I stayed home, but invited them to come over after that. When they got there, I started going down hill. Within an hour, I was in bed. Cameron was going to have some of the girls' guys over (did that make sense??) for a movie, but the whole gang ended up playing games together in our family room while I slept. I still just thought it was a sinus infection until the fever/chills started in the middle of the night....and then the aches got worse...and by worse, I mean... they got awful! I've had the flu several times in the past few years and whatever this was... was awful! I couldn't stop coughing to sleep, my back ached but I just had to lay down.... I was miserable for days! (I also get some bad side effects from the prescription I was on, so that didn't help my yucky feeling any.)  I assume it was the flu, but I didn't go back to the doctor to find out. I just continued to take my antibiotic and some ibuprofen, and treat it as if it was.  We missed out on our Colts game, NYE and visiting with family.

Luckily none of the people at our house got it, but my poor nephew did. We were together all day Friday :( We may have gotten it from the same place, who knows. I feel awful that is still sick and just hope his mommy and daddy don't get it.

Anyway... I'm finally out of bed today.... I still have an awful cough and some dizziness and fullness in my ears that I'm working on getting lined out, but I should be able to go back to work when school starts again Thursday.... 


I hope this bug doesn't find its way to your house!
Until Next Time....
Krista